Another sleepless night and nothing is going right. I shouldn't have taken that afternoon nap.
I went for a swim today evening.
Breast stroke, freestyle and backstroke are what I am familiar with.
I had a good time. I always enjoy swimming and only complain about washing and drying my hair afterward.
As I lay in bed wide awake I think about how my life is in general and the way things are going right now. Just as I lay floating on the water face up paddling my feet and raising my hands out of the water to push forward. All I see is the ceiling of the swimming pool area, my ears submerged in water enough to make me deaf to the noises around.
Should I be worried that I dont know where am headed? Could I bang my head on the wall of the pool or will someone drown my head (my brother and a friend do that to me all the time I try backstroke ... Grrrr) Backstroke requires that you keep your head looking up, no turning to the right or left, and keep going till you reach the end unlike other swimming stokes where you can look forward and know where you are headed.
In spite all this doubt you must relax your body and trust the water to make you float.
I realize I am swimming through life right now doing a backstroke. I can't see anything ahead of me but I look up and know that God "goes before me always".
Even though am flooded with worries the only way out is to let go, relax, float and let myself be carried by the things I am not in control of. And instead of drowning my head in worries I turn to the brighter side and do a backstroke.. and keep doing it till I reach.. and where do I reach? Somewhere. Anywhere not flodded by the worries of the world. Until then I just have to paddle, keep moving, have faith and breathe. I just have to swim and let others swim.... and have fun.
PS: Just floating on my back I just so relaxing... but... life is not like that :D
The Lord accompanied me on another rollercoaster ride.
If you have been to a universal studios amusement park there is a ride called the mummy. (Spoiler about ride ahead) Its a high speed roller coaster ride in the dark. So it starts off like a regular themed universal ride and then it speeds up and all you see is darkness and a few digital images here and there. The ride is too fast to perceive anything.
I went on that ride recently. The whole time I was trying to predict and prepare for the coaster's next steep fall. It was pitch black and was impossible to make such predictions.
Today ended an episode of my life that was similar to that rollercoaster.
It was the scariest ride I have been on. When it began I did not know what I was going for. Perplexed, I sat.. not knowing what I felt. What I was to do. Tried to predict what's gonna happen. There came the first unforseen fall. A disappointment faced. I recovered from it as it wasn't so steep. More confusion and fear filled me the rest of the ride. I was trying to keep my calm, so that, should a photo be taken, my fear wouldn't show. No one shall find out what I'm going through. The climax was nothing but more and more confusion and anxiety.. suddenly I felt that nobody was sitting next to me. God we were supposed to be together on this.
Lost in the loneliness and the bewilderment that the whole situation put me in, I cried and screened but my shouts were lost in the abyss (I dont cry for silly a mmusement park ride I only screem for fun).
I don't care how this gose from here.. i stopped trying to predict the furute of things...this has to end thats all I know. I have absolutely no control over the coaster and there is no other way out except through it. Lost and tired. The ride then suddenly slows down and comes to a lighted area and stops.
What I experienced in the ride cannot be erased. It was a rollercoaster ride to remember. Painful yet real. And look who was quietly sitting next to me the whole time. God!!! God enough roller coasters.. lets go on a long cruise to Hawaii!
The rollercoaster is over without doubt.. as of today.. I will be at peace.. no more anxiety and fear and the next time even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death I will know you are with me God!
Friends sorry for not blogging for so long.. its all because of that rollercoaster ride. I was shivering with fear to type properly :D
PS: The Mummy ride in Universal studios was fun! ;)
It had been a few weeks that I have been getting others' help to get into my appartment building. I had lost / misplaced my key and access card. I cleaned my room completely and it was nowhere to be found.
After several frustrating waits spanning over weeks, I decided to ask the management for a new key but when I asked for the access card I learnt that it was 50$ . I could have paid the money any got it but I wanted to check the house again before I paid so much for the access card.
It took another frustrating wait and difficulty getting into my apprtment before I complained to God. I told Him, that He should not be making me pay extra 50$ and that I used a keychain which was shaped like a cross and the word Jesus. I continuted to express my frustration saying that the whole intent of having that keychain was to not have any trouble becuase of it. Yet this happened. So that means Lord I need not pay attention to such materialistic forms of prayer anymore.
A day or two later I looked while packing for a trip I had taken out my stuff from the bed side basket. At the bottom I saw a cross shaped as the word Jesus. :) :) :)
Now I can get into my appartment safely.
It does not mean that materialistic worship is important. It only means God is an accessible God and manifests Himself through the ways that we perceive Him. This explains the difference between faith and law. The law will show us the right path but through faith there is custom instructions for each individual.
It means that, what matters most is that we have faith!
It also means that God is listening to my most meaningless and unreasonable rants. :) I love you Jesus.
Random thoughts from my head that helped me get through a hard day like today...
Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
Life is worth the living just because He lives
Just because He loves us
I went to church today and prayed for people. As for myself I prayed for righteouness, joy and peace in the Holy Spirit. That's the kingdom of God.
I am going to sing in this Church from next week wearing the cool robe. God is good to me.. Oh what love I see.
I painted grape vines on my stool today. For You are the vine and I am your branch Lord.
I am a lump of clay... you are the Potter. Mold me and make me.
Let whatever I am going through teach me the right things.
Refiner's fire my heart's one desire is to be Holy and set apart for You Lord.
Though my plans failed. Though the fig tree may not blossom nor fruit be on the vines. Though the labor of the olive may fail and the fields yield no fruit. Though the flock be cut off from the heard yet I will rejoice and I will joy in the God of my salvation.
I m hurting so much but Hod let the living waters flow on
Sweep away my pain
Bring Your healing to my heart
The Lord in near to the broken hearted. Lord if you are by my side right now. Touch me and heal me with your power.
Lord did you say "your faith has made you well! ?"
Praise the Lord.
Amen.
